What the President Can Do to Improve His Low Ratings Being President of the United States can be a lonely job even though you are surrounded by office staffers and the public. The pay is low for the responsibility, the pressure is intense, the public is sometimes not happy about what you do. Even the Congress can turn against you at a critical time. Having been raised in a political family Im an expert on poll revival. Here are some suggestions that will bounce George Bush right back where he wants to be in the polls: 1. Take a very long vacation but dont go to your ranch where that woman with the dead son will pester you. Dont go to that ranch where Vice President Cheney shot the attorney either. Rumors will start that you are drinking and having an affair with that lady down there. No, go to David Lettermans ranch up in Montana. He wont be using it before June. You might have to agree to appear on his show to get him to let you stay there for a couple of months. Agree! Agree! When the time comes to appear on his show, give REGRETS. 2. Visit the Daily Show and joke with Jon Stewart. Give only frivolous answers if he asks you a serious question. Watch out! He is very smart and might trick you into giving a serious answer. Dont do it! Whatever you do, dont have your staff brief you before the show. Instead take Laura with you as a surprise. Everybody just loves Laura. You will have a warm welcome by the Daily Show audience of right wingers. You need all the help you can get. 3. Have your secretary print up letters asking for the resignation of each of your staff and cabinet members. After you receive the resignations tell everyone that the letters were distributed by mistake. However, say that you are accepting most all of them because the reasons were so good. Keep a few staff members to show your good faith. Make sure that Rose and McClelland are not two of them. Well, okay. Keep your friend Rose but appoint him to head of the newly formed Department of Little Know Affairs. Tell him not to smirk. 4. Hire a consultant to feed the media with a story How Scott McClelland Tried to Destroy the Presidentcy by Being Rude to the Media and Acting Stupid. Ask Scott to apologize. Appoint him to Ping Pong Director of Camp David as a reward. That way you will be able to keep and eye on him. Say that to the press. Point out his experience in managing ping pong tournaments. 5. Make General H. Norman Schwarzkopf Secretary of Defense. If you dont know who he is, ask your Daddy. Also do research at http://www.usdreams.com/Schwarzkopf.html. He will fix Iraq in about four to six months. You will look like a genius for appointing him. 6. Place Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on your White House Staff of Advisors. Say that Affairs of State are so important that you must have her by your side. No! Dont say that. The liberals will kill you. Say, The Office of Secretary of State is temporarily being moved to the White House for better correlation. Folks like Condoleeza, so let them see her more often. 7. Appoint a committee to investigate how the White House was deceived in thinking that the Congress would allow giving our ports to the Arabs. This should be a long investigation, the committee only meeting on the fifth Tuesdays of February. The committee should be dissolved because of lack of interest next year sometime: preferably August when the members of Congress are out water skiing. 8. Report that Osama Bin Laden has gone into retirement and is no longer a threat to the United States. Say that he wants to spend the rest of his days in medication in Mecca in one of the buildings his family built there. Say that the CIA just about had him by his robes, but the outside robe was cleverly designed to come off freeing Bin Laden to walk through the gates of Mecca where the infidel CIA agents were not permitted to follow. 9. You already know that Vice President Cheney is not going to run for the presidency but say this, If Vice President Cheney decides to run for President of this Republic, I may not be able to give him my undivided support. This will not only sound presidential it will make you look like you know what a republic is. It will make the public think that you have not approved of some of Vice President Cheneys actions. They will think you agree with them! 10. Have your daughters get married in a duel wedding in the White House. No, dont have them marry each other! We are not trying to appeal to the Gay Community are we? Find one a Democratic Party man and one an Independent Party man to marry. Make sure they didnt go to an Ivory League school. Get one from out here at Idaho State and one from Purdue University. Invite me to perform the wedding. Don't forget your alternative not to look so healthy. Play the role that the job is making you ill. Have your doctor give a report like "The President needs a rest from the grueling tasks he has had to face in this troubled world." This will allow you a second vacation while gaining sympathy at the same time. Happy Poles, Mr. President! |
